Here is little Lola on Mother's Day. She has decided to feed herself.
A little something that could prove useful for her in the future. She's doing great - don't you think?
09 May 2010
The Faux Pas Press #28
Mother’s Day
To Denise
You might find it hard to believe.
You can’t set boundaries with a man who wants nothing from you. There are no names to call.
I’m sorry that you’ve experienced abuse. But you can’t deliver he who needs no deliverance, and for the sake of deliverance, I would like to write a few words today that begin with my feelings. The first thing that I feel today is abundant. Is that okay for you? The next thing I feel today is truth. Is that okay? Am I crossing any boundaries? The next thing I feel is happy.
It makes me happy to write and not spiral down a tunnel of self-destruction, down the spiral of Virgil and the voyage to the center of hell. It feels good to preserve myself. I am reporting 54 days, 54 beautiful days in the face challenge, 54 days on life’s terms, 54 days without the use of powerful market sigils. No drugs, no tobacco, no alcohol. You’d never know that I’ve got Chambers and Carroll in me.
These are the manifestations of a truly painful process that might have led others to severe addiction. I am angry that molestation occurred and that there were few around who placed me at a pinnacle of support when I needed it. Sometimes I feel angry that there where not enough people who wanted to encourage me to achieve my dreams, angry that I’ve had to go it alone, angry that my own family was unable to give me solid council, angry that I’ve had to go it alone. I’m angry that I’ve fathered my father and played husband to my mother.
I have faced those who have discouraged me. It hurts that these people are in the family to which I was born. Sometimes I feel angry that Uncle Joe and the Great Adam’s Family Monster was so wrapped in pioneer indignation, so wrapped in sickness, so obsessed with the weakness in others that it denounced Hercules when he was amongst them. This is the case with you. It is painful to think that you might be withering away in suffering. I am not co-dependent. So, you will have to suffer alone. If you need support you should consider a personal trainer or even just a regular job at a supermarket or something. Hard labor is good. No shame in it. Oh, the world does not revolve around one person’s demands, but it will respond to one person’s influence.
When the voices of my past have settled I feel happy – mostly because it is freeing. I am embarrassed at the wayward jolt of familial tension – trips to the supermarket to buy frozen meat, canned goods stored in the basement of a house where all the druggy kids lived, a tour de shit with an older brother who was crying out for help all the days of life and no one to give a damn. I can not be the Jesus you hoped I would be. But I will be the Savior of my family. Lola and Liz will always be able to depend on me. I am responsible and in love with them.
I wished a woman Happy Mother’s Day today. I did it willingly. I am grateful for that – a sign of healing. I thought it would be good news for you too. I hope that you don’t do what you normally did or what I’m used to you doing. Please take it. It is all I have to give you. I am happy, I am a father, I am sober, I am not alone, I am growing, I am wealthy, I am proud of what my life means. Thank you for your role in it – not because you were good but because I’m better for it.
Green Lights,
J. Fresh
fauxpaspress@yahoo.com
The Faux Pas Press #28
Mother’s Day
To Denise
You might find it hard to believe.
You can’t set boundaries with a man who wants nothing from you. There are no names to call.
I’m sorry that you’ve experienced abuse. But you can’t deliver he who needs no deliverance, and for the sake of deliverance, I would like to write a few words today that begin with my feelings. The first thing that I feel today is abundant. Is that okay for you? The next thing I feel today is truth. Is that okay? Am I crossing any boundaries? The next thing I feel is happy.
It makes me happy to write and not spiral down a tunnel of self-destruction, down the spiral of Virgil and the voyage to the center of hell. It feels good to preserve myself. I am reporting 54 days, 54 beautiful days in the face challenge, 54 days on life’s terms, 54 days without the use of powerful market sigils. No drugs, no tobacco, no alcohol. You’d never know that I’ve got Chambers and Carroll in me.
These are the manifestations of a truly painful process that might have led others to severe addiction. I am angry that molestation occurred and that there were few around who placed me at a pinnacle of support when I needed it. Sometimes I feel angry that there where not enough people who wanted to encourage me to achieve my dreams, angry that I’ve had to go it alone, angry that my own family was unable to give me solid council, angry that I’ve had to go it alone. I’m angry that I’ve fathered my father and played husband to my mother.
I have faced those who have discouraged me. It hurts that these people are in the family to which I was born. Sometimes I feel angry that Uncle Joe and the Great Adam’s Family Monster was so wrapped in pioneer indignation, so wrapped in sickness, so obsessed with the weakness in others that it denounced Hercules when he was amongst them. This is the case with you. It is painful to think that you might be withering away in suffering. I am not co-dependent. So, you will have to suffer alone. If you need support you should consider a personal trainer or even just a regular job at a supermarket or something. Hard labor is good. No shame in it. Oh, the world does not revolve around one person’s demands, but it will respond to one person’s influence.
When the voices of my past have settled I feel happy – mostly because it is freeing. I am embarrassed at the wayward jolt of familial tension – trips to the supermarket to buy frozen meat, canned goods stored in the basement of a house where all the druggy kids lived, a tour de shit with an older brother who was crying out for help all the days of life and no one to give a damn. I can not be the Jesus you hoped I would be. But I will be the Savior of my family. Lola and Liz will always be able to depend on me. I am responsible and in love with them.
I wished a woman Happy Mother’s Day today. I did it willingly. I am grateful for that – a sign of healing. I thought it would be good news for you too. I hope that you don’t do what you normally did or what I’m used to you doing. Please take it. It is all I have to give you. I am happy, I am a father, I am sober, I am not alone, I am growing, I am wealthy, I am proud of what my life means. Thank you for your role in it – not because you were good but because I’m better for it.
Green Lights,
J. Fresh
fauxpaspress@yahoo.com
Sounds like your younger days were pretty f__ked up. I keep away from relative like this even if it is my mother. Congrats on the 54 days dude. I have 4 years of not being f--Ked out of my mind.
ReplyDeleteHopli
Happy Belated Mother's Day to all those who presently are of importance in your life. I'm glad you have them and that they are helping you be healthy and happy. LOLA is adorable, that smile would bring sunshine to the cloudiest of days. I love you tonsssssss... No need to tell ME Happy Mother's Day, I got what I needed, I'm good, glad you are too!!!
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