The Faux Pas Press #31: Honorable Dead

20 May 2010

The Faux Pas Press #31

By Jason Fresh

Honorable Dead

It was reported today that Lieutenant Alonzo Cushing of the Union Army, a man who perished from a Confederate bullet wound, will now, at long last, receive the highest military honor that our country has to offer, The Medal of Honor. I have also decided to award the Department of the Army, Captain Shapiro of the U.S. Air Force, and finally, the parents of Alonzo Cushing.

I will, in kind, award the highest honor I have to offer. This is an honor that is not only revered by me, myself, and I, but also by thousands of tiny ants that I talk to, little insignificant insects that live in ant mound near my home in Hawaii. Now, this award will be presented at The Faux Pas Press and in front of the ants that support it. I reference the ants because I can only imagine what Gettysburg must have looked like to the American God when he watched his children slaughter each other in the hands of a government that would wait 147 years to honor its dead.

I have to imagine that the Lieutenant, in retrospect would holler, “Go screw yourself. What did I die for again? Progress? For a president who ‘freed the slaves’ yet violated major tenants of the Constitution I swore to defend. I died at the canon’s mouth so that future generations could send me one last middle finger by petitioning the Army through a Facebook page? Thanks but no thanks.” (This is actually what I would say if I were Lieutenant Alonzo Cushing. He’s more heroic than me. He probably said something that resembles King Leonidas or Mr. T. The fact that he did what he could with 110 men in the face of sure extinction is beyond all definitions of heroism or stupidity. This all depends on how you look at it. If you’re the American Consumer Christian God, you might wonder why he didn’t go out wearing something more fashionable.)

First, my friends, neighbors, and countrymen, I have to give a Thank You to the Department of the Army for making me laugh and ask, “How long will it take you to honor the victorious, honorable, and righteous dead that you’ve leeched off for the last decade? The poor and the hungry from America’s ghettos and countryside? How long will it take for my American Brothers and Sisters to get their due when you can’t even find a rich kid from Saudi Arabia? Thanks for giving one of the bravest men in our history the Medal of Honor, but I give you a healthy middle finger for neglecting to give our boys the right gear, the right armor, and the right intelligence.” Those boys in the Union Army, like 22 year-old Lieutenant Alonzo Cushing, must have felt pretty insignificant too. Yeah, so I talk to ants. I’m a crazy dude who talks to ants with a clear conscience. How about you U.S. Army?”

Second, as I stated previously, I would like to give The Thank You to Captain Phil Shapiro. I say, “Dear Dr. Phil, it brings me great comfort to know that tax dollars go to free time. Surfing the web on government coin is pretty heroic too. I guess, ummm, thanks? I now know that I’ve got a better chance of getting policy pushed through the military on Facebook than I do through my chain of command. Thanks for your service, Dr. Phil. You’ll probably get some face time with the brass, you Blue Falcon.”

Third, I say, in the light of giving 147 year-old awards, “Thank You, Mr. and Mrs. Cushing, for not only grooming your son to die along side thousands of his countrymen, not only Thank You for helping us create the amazing nation that we live in today, a nation free of corruption, free of hypocrisy, and free of people who read and understand the Constitution. I would just like to, at the same time, thank you for giving your other sons regular names while giving Alonzo the name of my bartender at El Bandito Cantina. Thank You.

Lieutenant Alonzo Cushing represents the best of us. What are we doing with the Alonzo Cushing’s of today? Love your neighbor as yourself, quit thirsting for power, and live happily.

Green Lights,

Jason Fresh

fauxpaspress@yahoo.com