The Faux Pas Press #32
21 May 2010
By Jason Fresh
Smoking Plywood
“You must be smoking something. What you been smoking, dude?” I speak to my fellow Americans with the intonation of a Brooklyn cab driver - although I am not from the East Coast and have only driven passengers for money on a handful of occasions.
I’m wondering how we got ourselves into the international tip-toe dance with a bunch of clueless South Korean and North Korean military officials. “Have you been smoking plywood, you Almond Joy-eating Tax Leeches?” Also, and most importantly, I just want to give a Thank You to a wonderful Scorpio mother of two, Bill and Chelsea, a well-intentioned power whore, but a clearly unprepared Secretary of State on her recent visit to the East. After doing as much research on the occasion as my rectum could withstand, I considered tearing off a piece of the plywood table here at the Seaside Public Library, buying a crack pipe from the one of the city’s vagrants, and lighting a chunk of the good stuff – I’m talking ‘bout that plywood, baby. Whew! You know, I just want to smoke what the heads of state are smoking - mostly South Korean President Lee. Not because I want to get high. No, I just want to understand how these guys think. You know what I’m saying, dude?
So, we send Hilary Clinton to do this job? Great! Who are we going to send next? Glen Beck, the Tea Party? Maybe the North Koreans will stand down, drink some Soju or smoke plywood with me after a couple of minutes listening to those folks talk to each other. “God is the center, I say, the center of my life. The family is sacred, the family is sacred. I say the blessed family is the divine central unit of society. Obama is SSOOO stupid. Isn’t Obama stupid? Have you read Thomas Paine? Oh, you haven’t? I have.”
No, seriously, Hilary Clinton is going to resolve a conflict that stood for over half a century? It pains me to say this, but you got a better shot sending my nemesis, The Korean. He may be a Soju-drinking sonofagun with a three-inch pecker, but at least he talks that devil Korean talk!!! Tarnation! Whew!!!!!
You know what. I’ve got a better idea. As long as we’re sending America’s most qualified emissaries to resolve conflicts in the Yellow Sea, why don’t we send pop sensation Justin Bieber? Baby, baby, baby, OHHHHHH!!! No sense talking about prudence like South Korean president, Lee Myung-bak, has decided. Oh, wait, let’s go make those bastards pay for what they did to our naval vessel TWO MONTHS ago!!!! Now, I know that it is kind of a challenge to make decisive, military choices when the majority of people are worried about little details like say, umm, eating, but…..really? President Lee, come on, dude? Let us commence, brother. If you don’t get something done soon, the Americans will send over a kid who can not only sing, dance, and play the drums, but a kid who is apparently blacker than Eminem, a little, bad Justin Bieber who will come over there and whhhoooopppp somebody’s aaaassssss. Okaaaayyyyy? Baby, baby, baby, OOHHHHHH!!!!
Lee says, “A boxer in the ring would only get hit with the cloves.” Come on, man. As Michael Madsen’s character says in the 90’s heist flick, Reservoir Dogs, “Are you going to bark all day, little doggy, or are you going to bite?” We’re waiting on the U.S. Secretary of State? Are you smoking plywood? The North Koreans killed your people – 46 to be exact. This is just like when I got my ass whooped by Josh Perkins in the 5th grade. Was I going to go home and get my mom??? Hell no. I either had to put up or shut up. Everyone knows I got my ass whooped again the second time too. But the third time? Guess what? Josh Perkins never messed with me again. He’s a barista at the Bagdad Café in the Castro District now. It is time to send North Korea back into port – covered in flames, drenched in combustible oils or it is most certainly time to shut the hell up (or at least quiet down so I can watch E! Chelsea Lately. “Oh my god. I’m drunk. I’m so drunk. Mediocre is cool, right? I’ve got a down-syndrome Mexican dude on my show. I’m soooo LA trash.”)
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going out to my 2005 Chrysler Sebring to smoke some plywood.
Green Lights,
Jason Fresh
fauxpaspress@yahoo.com
www.fauxpaspress.com
21 May 2010
By Jason Fresh
Smoking Plywood
“You must be smoking something. What you been smoking, dude?” I speak to my fellow Americans with the intonation of a Brooklyn cab driver - although I am not from the East Coast and have only driven passengers for money on a handful of occasions.
I’m wondering how we got ourselves into the international tip-toe dance with a bunch of clueless South Korean and North Korean military officials. “Have you been smoking plywood, you Almond Joy-eating Tax Leeches?” Also, and most importantly, I just want to give a Thank You to a wonderful Scorpio mother of two, Bill and Chelsea, a well-intentioned power whore, but a clearly unprepared Secretary of State on her recent visit to the East. After doing as much research on the occasion as my rectum could withstand, I considered tearing off a piece of the plywood table here at the Seaside Public Library, buying a crack pipe from the one of the city’s vagrants, and lighting a chunk of the good stuff – I’m talking ‘bout that plywood, baby. Whew! You know, I just want to smoke what the heads of state are smoking - mostly South Korean President Lee. Not because I want to get high. No, I just want to understand how these guys think. You know what I’m saying, dude?
So, we send Hilary Clinton to do this job? Great! Who are we going to send next? Glen Beck, the Tea Party? Maybe the North Koreans will stand down, drink some Soju or smoke plywood with me after a couple of minutes listening to those folks talk to each other. “God is the center, I say, the center of my life. The family is sacred, the family is sacred. I say the blessed family is the divine central unit of society. Obama is SSOOO stupid. Isn’t Obama stupid? Have you read Thomas Paine? Oh, you haven’t? I have.”
No, seriously, Hilary Clinton is going to resolve a conflict that stood for over half a century? It pains me to say this, but you got a better shot sending my nemesis, The Korean. He may be a Soju-drinking sonofagun with a three-inch pecker, but at least he talks that devil Korean talk!!! Tarnation! Whew!!!!!
You know what. I’ve got a better idea. As long as we’re sending America’s most qualified emissaries to resolve conflicts in the Yellow Sea, why don’t we send pop sensation Justin Bieber? Baby, baby, baby, OHHHHHH!!! No sense talking about prudence like South Korean president, Lee Myung-bak, has decided. Oh, wait, let’s go make those bastards pay for what they did to our naval vessel TWO MONTHS ago!!!! Now, I know that it is kind of a challenge to make decisive, military choices when the majority of people are worried about little details like say, umm, eating, but…..really? President Lee, come on, dude? Let us commence, brother. If you don’t get something done soon, the Americans will send over a kid who can not only sing, dance, and play the drums, but a kid who is apparently blacker than Eminem, a little, bad Justin Bieber who will come over there and whhhoooopppp somebody’s aaaassssss. Okaaaayyyyy? Baby, baby, baby, OOHHHHHH!!!!
Lee says, “A boxer in the ring would only get hit with the cloves.” Come on, man. As Michael Madsen’s character says in the 90’s heist flick, Reservoir Dogs, “Are you going to bark all day, little doggy, or are you going to bite?” We’re waiting on the U.S. Secretary of State? Are you smoking plywood? The North Koreans killed your people – 46 to be exact. This is just like when I got my ass whooped by Josh Perkins in the 5th grade. Was I going to go home and get my mom??? Hell no. I either had to put up or shut up. Everyone knows I got my ass whooped again the second time too. But the third time? Guess what? Josh Perkins never messed with me again. He’s a barista at the Bagdad Café in the Castro District now. It is time to send North Korea back into port – covered in flames, drenched in combustible oils or it is most certainly time to shut the hell up (or at least quiet down so I can watch E! Chelsea Lately. “Oh my god. I’m drunk. I’m so drunk. Mediocre is cool, right? I’ve got a down-syndrome Mexican dude on my show. I’m soooo LA trash.”)
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going out to my 2005 Chrysler Sebring to smoke some plywood.
Green Lights,
Jason Fresh
fauxpaspress@yahoo.com
www.fauxpaspress.com
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