The Faux Pas #185: No Young Team

 

All gripes aside, all tawdry complaints aside, I still can not hold my tongue when words need speaking. Determining when words are necessary has been a problem for me, locked in the cycle of sensory input and output. Talk of desire too often leaves me bereft of real friendship and alone. In my own desires, I've seen how muddled and confusing the tide-reading can be, how incessant the yearnings for communication, and how little I can actually feel wanted or needed. So, my decision is to hermitically hide out, shut down the sensory connection to some, while leaving the signaling open - just in case. I'm seeing that others are not ready for this type of loyalty, not ready for a truthful word to be spoken. Anger sometimes mistaken for contempt. I'm not angry at you; maybe I'm angry for you and have always been. Or maybe, just maybe, I don't know a thing, and must withdraw myself from greater indulgence, review my choices, and cling to what I have called 'righteous' in the past - though even that word disgusts me at times.

I cling to goodness and conservatism. I cling to religion when I am afraid. I cling to my own thoughts when I'm not good enough and ask the gods whether a self-centered mage can be permitted entrance to any realm at all terrestrial or celestial. My idea of loyalty has been confusing to some - so I will allow for their not being okay with me. So, I ask God to grant me serenity, courage, and wisdom.

I've decided that my senses have been overloaded for far too long. My service has been in the name of Self. And I have tried very hard to heal myself. But I can't. So, today, I simply ask God to grant me serenity. I simply release my incessant yearnings for communication and free Chambo from my own thinking. It has been my thinking that leads me astray. Most of the players who have questioned me, I have pushed away. Most of those who agreeably encourage whatever wayward idea fancies me, these I've allowed to call themselves friends. There is no young team to bridle my passions. Only one who knows me better than I know myself. And so, here I go again on my own. Asking the sigils now to take flight for the betterment of us all. And I ask you to surrender your needs for control. Ask you to let awareness identify fear, accept it, and move on. I'm on island of my own.