The Faux Pas Press #172
Voice Shield Explosion
By Chambo Fresh
Most of my life, no matter where I have found myself - whether in the carpet-fresh, amalgamated and masonic halls of Latter-day Saint Neo-Christianity, or the perfection-seeking halls of the public school system, or in confines of my own home; I have not felt deserving of love. To begin by blaming Mormonism would be too shallow in my opinion. You could, I suppose, blame my parents. But what about their parents whose parents, quite possibly felt the same as I; that love something that must be earned and not something that is freely given, a gift from the All-Powerful Source. This idea - love must be earned - has had a profound impact on my Psyche. Not knowing who to please, who to tolerate led me to an uncomfortable quagmire of sorts - smiling all the time without knowing why, being nice to everyone (ridiculously nice), all the while despising most everything that my eyes beheld.
You might argue, "Well, Mormonism teaches us that we are all Children of God. And he loves us infinitely." The missionaries say these types of things, glowing enthusiasm for the Kingdom in their eyes. Smiling like a permeating white salamander all the while. I did this. I spoke the words without truly feeling - a feeling in my gut that told me, personally, that I was infinitely loved. So, after proselyting The Book of Mormon for two years in my early twenties and marrying the first girl I'd banged upon my missions completion, I discovered slowly that my Smiley Fucking Self had taken over, with my smiley fucking ways. Nodding and prodding. And dodging comments, and avoiding arguments, and choosing righteous living - so self-centered the Self was convinced of its infallibility even before the vast expanse of the Infinite. I was in a quasi-spiritual, intellectual pot of infinite fagotry. (Not referring to homosexuality - talking about fagotry.) I remember being so unemployable, so disgusted with others, so critical of lifestyles that I abandoned myself to a world of fantasy. A world in which I was ultimate authority. In the ensuing years, I began to practice sorcery of every kind, I sought after prestige and recognition. But what it really boiled down to was my desire for love - and the deep-rooted feeling of my unworthiness of it. This is a product of a negative, cyclical thought pattern that permeates across generations. I think that it makes its way into our DNA. And before you know it, we are saturated with guilt, envy, zero taste, zero class, derogatory self-talk, and all kinds of other shit.
There are three parts of the Journey: the Journey from God, the Journey to God, and the Journey in God. At any one moment we are quite possibly in all three - but what I am realizing is - that no matter what moment in which we find ourselves, no matter how far into the Darkness we see our position, no matter how hopeless we think our lot has become - we need only stop, breathe, and give thanks for each phase of this journey. The Infinite Glow can and will help us through our journey. God can and will if this power is sought.
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