The Faux Pas Press #117: Diet Soda

The Faux Pas Press #117

Diet Soda

07 December 2011

By Jason Fresh

1. Diet Dr. Pepper

Diet Dr. Pepper is a drink that I've recently fallen for - well, when I say 'recently' what I mean is that this substance has gradually, over the course of years (7 years - I think.), worked its way into my organs. No. It has worked its way passed the matter that makes up the corpus humanus, worked its way passed the Gatekeepers of my soul - Thaddeus and Romulus. This insidious little bastard beverage has been trying to get into my pants for a while. And this year, he has succeeded. If I had a vagina and Diet Dr. Pepper had a penis, we would become great night lovers, saucing each other across a skillet of love gravy. Yes, love gravy damn it! So, recently, yes, 'recently', I've been seduced by a gay doctor named Diet Pepper. He has a twin brother and his name is'Regular Pepper' but he is a sonofabitch. I think he's a doctor too.

2. You're Fat

Diet soda is some good shit. I thought about that shit today. Diet soda is the reason I'm thin and you are incredulous about your own fatness. That's right. I just called you fat. Or, maybe you're not fat and maybe I have some horrific personality disorder that can not be cured. Very well. We'll just agree that we both like diet soda, so sweet, artificially sweetened diet soda. We like it because it makes us feel better about eating like shit. (Also, the reason I attend yoga 'almost' daily. Shit! So I can feel better about eating like shit.) I feel okay about liking this (the fact that I like diet soda) - and about eating the Cheesy Gordita Crunch from Taco Bell which I wash down with artificially sweetened soda to accompany this delicious artificial food. But you're still fat. I don't care if you feel okay about it.

I would say that I use an excessive diet soda regimen as a replacement for not understanding myself. I don't know what that means. But I like to think it means that I consume stuff to quiet the sorry stillness that rests over my heart on most days. My new attempt will be to drink diet soda, voluminous amounts of diet soda, to cope with life. This will be coping with a cigarette and an alcohol-free life. I've said this oh-so-many times. But if I have to pick the lesser of three evils, let it be diet soda. I drank me 4 of those motherfuckers today. My grandma drank tons of it when she quit smoking too. She's a model for mediocre health and a poor example for anything, but I'm all out of other places to draw inspiration. Thanks.