The Faux Pas Rant #2: Television Survey

19 December 2009

The Faux Pas Rant #2

Television Survey

By Jason Fresh

Is it wrong to be angry when someone sends you two dollars in the mail to do a survey?
Don’t these people understand that we are not all television-watching drones who need hand-outs? Nobody needs a fucking hand-out.

I received a survey in the mail from a company be the name of Nielson Survey. “What kind of programming are you watching? Would you rather suck a donkey dick or watch re-runs of Saved by the Bell? Do you watch LOST? Oh, My God, you’ve got to watch LOST. If you don’t watch lost you might as well just go and read a boring ole’ book – and who doesn’t want two dollars. Times are so tough. We all need a little help every now and then.”

What the fuck? No, seriously, what the fuck is going on? How many surveys do we fill out before we realize that we are placating the very disorders of our lives? How many pieces of paper do I fill out before I come to realize that I’m just being drained by an invisible messenger of evil? Damn.

So, I call the company.

“Yah, I don’t know who you guys think you are, but these two dollar bills, American, need to be picked-up by someone. You are now obligating me to put this money back into an envelope and send it.”

“Well, you obviously don’t want to participate. You can do whatever you want with the money. Buy a gift, put in the savings account, or just place it in the basket at church tomorrow.”

“Hold the line, lady. You may use that rhetoric with other people, people who are okay with pastors stealing their money and citing the Bible, but you are talking to the new incarnation of Parley Angerbliss, the New American Muse. I pay homage to no God but my own. This money is coming back to you.”

“Well, that is fine.”

“You’re God-damn right its fucking fine, you flaming cunt burger.”

“Now, hold on just a minute, I’m trying to help you. You’re not going to speak to me with that filthy mouth.”

“Well, I’m not going to sit by and let you force your dead rhetoric on me with two dollars in filthy lucre.”

In the end, I sent back the two, American-style bills and I wrote this message: “We are not all T.V. watching drones like your target demographic. Here’s your money.”

www.fauxpaspress.com