The Faux Pas Rant #1: 4 Reasons 4 No Season

The Faux Pas Rant #1

4 Reasons 4 No Season

or

Why I Don’t Celebrate Christmas

Written 16 August 2009

By Jason Scott Chambers

One Christmas has been just like the other for me: not worth the time and effort. Sad? Man, it does sound like it when I hear other people talk about it, but I have to confess; I just can’t seem to justify it at all. The best Christmas I’ve had to date was with my wife, then girlfriend, with no tree, no pomp, no pageantry, just the two of us, and good feelings for each other. Who can argue with that?

I mean. If you’re planning on buying me a refurbished, classic-model Toyota Land Cruiser with a candied paint job and off-road equipment, we can talk. Otherwise, I can’t promise that I will be home for Christmas or any other holiday for that matter. Is this sad? I have to say that, to me, it doesn’t really feel like it.

I decided not to celebrate Christmas when I learned that all lessons taught by the Fathers to the Children are not based in reality, but are rather, based in the myths of history, myths that have repeated themselves long enough for people to make a buck. It is survival. Survival based in age-old myths that bind us. I’m talking about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and a child born of a virgin. I have also relinquished the idea that anyone will accept my explanation, but I do get a little fulfillment in the defense of my position.
You see, it has shifted, my paradigm forged by controlled marketing campaigns and a clever, manipulative play with emotions. I am not happy to say that it still bugs me though, having to defend this. I hope that the pain-in-the-ass argument will turn into progressive poetry, my position’s true defense. My prayer to the Master of Myths is that we can progressively and playfully dismantle all myths that create doom and begin our enlightened march toward a new world. My fear is that, like our Western fascination with the diamond ring and retail jewelry, the mind has been too seduced by false security and continental breakfasts, Cherry Garcia ice cream (I actually love the stuff), shopping mall trips, credit cards, and long evenings in the illusion of family unity.

I now present to you the 4 Reasons 4 No Season or Why I Do Not Celebrate Christmas (probably subject to change when my lovely daughter arrives, shows me her cute face, and I buckle on principles all together). One point I will not address in this piece is my disdain for the Jehovah’s Witness Kingdom Hall Fantasy Land or any other group that moralizes abstinence for La Navidad. (I once knew a Jehovah’s Witness kid with an erectile dysfunction and a predisposition to loose women. He would go around preaching against promiscuity. It always sounded like there was envy in his voice, angry at the world because he couldn’t get it up, using his religion as high ground. Not a true story.) Also, I will not use the Bible or the Holy Scriptures, as the aforementioned group calls it. I will also not decry any practice of yours with jealousy in my throat. No, I have no envy at all for those locked tight in the grind of the capital gear.

Stress. Our myths cause this because they control, to a large degree or to an enormous degree, our basic beliefs. I am against stress because, let’s be honest, it is a killer. Well, that and a number of other things consumed particularly during the holiday season. Holiday season stress people out. They’ve got to buy this; they’ve got to buy that. They got to be at Aunt Sharon’s house before 7:00am to watch the kids open gifts or the world will stop spinning on its axis.

Debt. I’ve decided to stop spending money on items that we’re not being manufactured two years ago. If it wasn’t money I had then, when I first wanted the item, then there is a painful truth. Guess what? I probably don’t want the damn thing. I don’t go and by the new G.I. Joe toy just because Hollywood decided to bank roll a dumb-ass movie. How can I begin to say that I have principles if I am controlled by the markets and familial guilt? Maybe I don’t have principles. Maybe I’ll have even fewer when my daughter wants a Christmas, but I believe she will learn to appreciate what she has a lot more if she does not always expect material shit on the 25th every year. We don’t need a special day to attract wealth. Look at the Jews. They have eight days during the holidays and they’re wealthy as shit. Do they carry the debt load in this country? Nope. Broke-ass people, most of whom are not even Christians, carry the debt load in the Home of Free.

Guilt. A weapon used by manipulators is guilt. The most lethal of all weapons, as Mother Rand describes it more eloquently than me, most lethal if you don’t count me after a Chipotle burrito, is unearned guilt, the WMD of the human psyche. This is simple, and I really hate to quote Nickleback but each day is a gift and not a given right. No one in your life owes you a thing – not your children, not your boyfriend, not the President. But give freely and you shall receive freely. Give gifts everyday because of the gift of life that is given to you – not because you have to.

Depression. Here is a phenomenon that is not only caused by Holiday Blues but by the false promises offered in a recurring idea of the human drama – everlasting life. Life, indeed, is everlasting and flowing like a river, but I’ve seen a lot of people get really depressed in its pursuit. Man, I’ve seen my own mother become very depressed over her inability to provide enough. Oh, the woes of societal pressure. She once had a hyper-ventilated fit and came close to spontaneous combustion when a pair of New Kids on the Block tickets went missing. I don’t really see the point even if your intentions are pure. Today is not everlasting even if life truly is. The way I see it, there is no sense in getting depressed over the holiday season. Are we securing a spot in heaven by our actions in December? What a waste!

I do have fond holiday memories. And I like opening gifts just like the next guy. I like to doing fun family things: launching a water balloon out of a three-man water balloon launcher trying to hit golfers in the ass, or driving around the neighborhood, yelling at unsuspecting pedestrians, saying things like, “I hope you have a Merry fucking Christmas”, or just kissing a loved one and saying, “Thank you. Thank you for being in my life.” I do love being around people. Christmas, however, also turns into an excuse for those who are not-so-beneficial to you to weasel back into your life with hat in hands, expecting a freebee, a pity fuck that lasts for days and days and days.

Any way, I hope we can all relish in the pleasure of spending time with one another. I also hope that this stance, and all of those who share it, can find joy in our own defense; so that it may become a pleasure not a holiday chore. In closing, Christmas is bad for happiness. I hope you enjoyed the 4 Reasons 4 No Season. If not, go fuck yourself.

Green Lights and Galactic Pulsars of Good.